Ah, the age old question, “can a player ever change?”
Many people have tried (and failed) to take a player and make him (or her) change his (or her) ways, but the story always seems to end with the same answer: No, a player doesn’t change.
But before you go giving up on that fixer-upper guy you’ve been trying to change for years (I’m sure your friends love him, BTW), read what these self-proclaimed players have to say about getting into a monogamous relationship.
A question posed on Reddit asked them to describe why they were players, as well as explain how their player lifestyle affected their attempts to be in a monogamous relationship in the future.
For some of the dudes, it was actually a good thing. For others, not so much.
Being a player made him better in bed.
Why- When I was younger I still believed that the more beautiful women I slept with, the better of a man that I was.
Has it affected my ability to have a healthy monogamous relationship? It has, but in a positive way. I'm better in bed! I like pleasing people! I've found that I like doing really dirty shit if it means they will cum really hard, it's literally all about making the girl cum for me. I've learned that I like a cuddle after sex, but if I'm not emotionally connected to that person, I tend to get insecure being naked around someone else without being turned on, so under the covers, please. I learned a lot about myself through other women.
Being a player in the past doesn’t define who these guys are now.
Why – It was a ton of fun. It promotes self worth(for me anyways). I felt like I must be doing something right if women want me/had me.
And no, it has not affected my ability to have a monogamous relationship. I've been with my girlfriend for nearly 2.5 years. Shes wonderful, and means the world to me. My sex life before her doesn't define who I am while I am in a relationship.
I'm 28 and certainly the most promiscuous and deviant of my social group.
And no, not one bit did it affect my ability to have a strong relationship. I'm actually with the most incredible girl right now and it's amazing.
It's all about the mindset, you can go through women and think that they're disposable, or you can make a connection with them and realize how different so many people can be. You learn to appreciate all the small things that make people unique, and sex is just another way to connect with someone. So no, lots of previous experience doesn't diminish my capacity for a genuine connection, if anything it enhanced it.
Why – Because lots of sex with lots of beautiful women is fun. Same reason anyone has sex. I did it because I enjoy it and because I could.
It hasn't affected my ability to be a 1 girl type of guy though. Sure I look at other women and think of other women when I am alone but that's all I do. I'm only physically intimate with my girlfriend because 1) I love her. 2) When I entered a relationship with my girlfriend I became a part of a mutual contract which is I promise not to get physical or intimate with anyone else.
I promised my girlfriend this. I ain't no liar, bruh.
Being a player made him a serial cheater.
First, clarifications: I'm 25 years old, lost my virginity at 17, and have slept with around 55-65 women.
Why: Cause I could, its not easy to do, and it was like the one thing I was good at. In the early years insecurity played a huge part too. These women didn't just fall into my lap I worked hard at it. At first it was anyone 5/10 or above but I eventually started bagging beautiful ones after a couple years.
Effect: Yes, definitely. I was a serial cheater for awhile and nowadays I enjoy being single but wonder if I've been fucked from it. People who say it doesn't affect them are likely lying IMO, its hard to explain how or why. There are so many different types of women out there, some who get dripping wet, some who don't, some who squirt, some who come during PIV, some only during clit stimulation, some not at all! Once you've tried so many candy bars its tough to stick to just one (and yes that was a drake and josh reference) so I found myself thinking "Damn this girl is amazing in ways X,Y, and Z…..but remember that other girl who was amazing in reason Q?". It also shows you the worst of women too, some of them really have terrible habits and terrible thoughts (As do men of course!). For example, I almost killed a bunch of people in a stupid reckless OUI a few months ago, was all over the news, and the number of women who texted me saying "you look so hot in handcuffs" and stuff was depressing. I shouldn't. Also basically none of them asked me to wear a condom, and most of them weren't sleazy hoes, we're talking women with low N counts and good jobs and good upbringings.
Being a player made relationships boring for these guys.
You get a real preference for variety. Long term relationships can suffer because you crave something different. You an have steak everyday but sometimes you want a quick hamburger.
I enjoy the early spark, getting to know new people, the ego boost (for me at least that never changes), the really measured personas people keep up for the first few weeks. But once that's all died down and things settle down I'm out; I get bored. It doesn't matter how much I like the person, it follows the same pattern.
Hoping I grow out of it at some point.
– /u/rdc20
Because at some point you become used to having sex with multiple woman, so when you engage on a monogaumus relationship after a little while it becomes boring. Because having sex with a lot of woman gives you that thrill, adrenaline and the "how it's going to be" "what is she into"
Being a player lowered his BS tolerance.
Not in any way. I was just in a very rewarding LTR (that ended recently unfortunately)
However, I would caution that I am much less likely to put up with what I consider to be crap and princess behavior. It does teach you that there are plenty of women out there.
– /u/wtf81
Being a player made them appreciate being in a monogamous relationship.
Why? Cause I moved to another country and I was highly attractive to the girls here, so it was the natural step to take. Did it affect it? Yes. I realize now that sex is just that, sex and that I no longer feel the need to swap to another girl of who i don't know how nice it will be. Actually, my slutty period has shown me that it's better to be just with one girl and have a great time with her, than to constantly be searching eagerly for a new girl, who might disappoint again and having to deal with all these things that newly-dating girls do.. So .. Sleeping with a lot of girls helped me realize how nice it can be to be with just one. (I think I had almost two-years where I would sleep with 6 different girls at the same time)
Nah. Hooking up with lots of women just made me appreciate it more when I found a good one.
Why: why not, if you're a single guy and can manage to fuck a lotta women why wouldn't you
Anyway, only had a positive impact. There's no "wish I would've sown my wild oats " shit going on and the desire isn't really there. I know what fucking new women is like – fun, but hardly worth the head ache a lot of the time. If i think about having to go to bars and have twenty vapid conversations to fuck some girl that night I cringe. Even when it's easy and something falls into your lap, a lot of the time afterwards is a nightmare, dealing with some woman you just fucked but aren't so personally into. Then turns out, oh shit, she likes you way more than you like her, this is unfortunate. Sometimes it would be the opposite too- hey, this girl's actually pretty cool, aaaaand she's ghosting me. Other times, the stars would align and you could get a fuck buddy, but those more often than not end in disaster. Sometimes you meet a new girl and you're both into each other and you date and then split and feel like total shit. Idk it was all a fucking head ache for me and I'm glad to be rid of that whole process.
Being a player made these guys pickier when it came to choosing a monogamous partner.
Because it's fun mostly and it adds a lot of variety. With regards to having a monogamous relationship, I'll say that being with a lot of people really helps you understand what you like and don't like, which can make it harder to find someone who you consider datable, but once you sign find that someone I don't think that being monogamous is a problem, for me at least.
The best sex is with someone you love. I know it sounds cheesy, but when you love a woman, and you're on the same wavelength sexually, it's better than 100 one night stands.
Speaking of one night stands, sex is better when it's practiced. Women are different, so sleeping with a new woman is always somewhat awkward because you're getting to know each other sexually. It takes about 3 times to really know a woman and find your sexual groove. So each time you get a new partner it's a learning curve.
Having sex with many women doesn't affect my ability to have a monogamous relationship. There's plenty of other shit for that. What it does do is give me perspective beyond sex when I'm looking for the "one". If all a woman has is that she's sexy, but doesn't have a career, a brain, and all the other things that will keep me interested, I'll move on.
Being a player made him tired of sex by the time he got into a monogamous relationship.
My time to shine!
So why? Well for me growing up ugly, being picked on and bullied, in highschool it effected me. When I turned.. erm.. 18 Got better looking. Moved to college and slept with plenty of girls. It became a numbers game.. kind of like a trophy (it sounds horrible). Kind of like a douchey pride thing.
Over the years it has effected me greatly. My relationship is a dying bedroom; not because of her, but me. I feel burnt out. Sex is no longer fun, but a choir. My sex drive is gone. Maybe its because I slept with a variety of women, done everything I wanted.. its like.. when you eat your favorite food everyday.. you get burnt out. Not sure if its medical but at the age of 24 I am not sexually interested anymore.
Honestly, tell me you don’t have more insight into the player’s psyche than you ever thought you would. You’re welcome.
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Self-Proclaimed ‘Players’ Discuss Their Thoughts On Monogamy